To Control the Uncontrollable....--Originally Published June 6, 2011

I've made a few realizations as I have journeyed this pregnancy.  My realization involves what it means to be a woman and how women feel about their bodies

All of my life, I've had a profound distrust of my own body.  I think it is because of the asthma I suffered as a small child.  I couldn't figure out why I had difficulty breathing--what made me predisposed to be miserable as opposed to my relatively healthy siblings.  As I grew older, my distrust grew, too.  Why was I heavier than other girls?  Why wasn't I as pretty as other girls?  Society had taught me to distrust my physical body and to blame myself when my physical body did not meet society's expectations.  

When I was 25, I began to change.  I began to "forgive" my body and accept it for what it was.  By the time I was 30, I very much loved the way I looked and the way I felt.  I began to trust my body to do what was right for it instead of trying to control what I had no control over.  Of course, I realized that the human brain is very much involved in the functioning of the body.  I knew that eating healthy and exercising where the best and kindest options for myself mentally and physically.  However, all of this certainty in myself and my body began to change.  

I may have mentioned previously that I miscarried in June of 2010.  It was a very early miscarriage.  I took the test on a Sunday morning and started my period that Sunday night.  I was devastated--surprisingly devastated.  I took it personally.  My body was apparently not good enough.  My body was, again, not doing it's job.   And I blamed myself.  What did I do wrong?  Did I eat the wrong food?  Did I work too hard?  Was I sending the wrong vibes to the potential life inside me?  

My husband and I tried to conceive for a while after that.  We were successful again this past January.  While trying to conceive, my expectations for my physical form were unbelievable.  Every month I didn't get pregnant, I thought that something must be wrong with this physical form.  Something must be wrong with me.  Looking back, these thoughts are ridiculous.  The Mayo Clinic suggests trying to conceive for a year.  If a couple is unsuccessful after doing so, then they are considered to have fertility issues.  Yet here I was expecting this pregnancy to happen overnight.  If I willed it enough, why wouldn't it happen?  I think once again societal expectations distorted my thinking.  My mother was a very fertile woman.  She managed to get pregnant four times in a 4 year time span.  My sister, too, managed to get pregnant three times in a 3 year time frame.  But what I would not accept is that this may have been because, at the time, both of them were significantly younger than I am.  I was comparing myself to other women when doctors will tell female patients often that each woman's experience is slightly different.  

After I got pregnant, the worry and self doubt didn't end.  Every week, I kept searching for signs of miscarriage.  It just seemed to be too good to be true.  My body reacted as a body would to an extra life growing inside of it.  I became nauseous.  I cramped.  I bloated.  I was miserable.  All of this seemed like I wasn't a "good pregnant woman."  But every time I had an ultrasound, the news was always good.  My baby was great.  He was right on target for heartbeat, organ development, weight, and size.  My body was sending me a strong signal:  It was doing the best it could, and for the time being, it was doing a damn fine job.  Around the 13th week, I let go of all that anxiety.  This could be because most pregnancies are considered viable after the 12th week.  But I think I let go because I realized what I could do and what I couldn't do.  All I did was the following:  

1. I made myself aware of miscarriage signs. 
2. I read books by respected obgyns, talked to my doctor, and visited credible websites like Mayoclinic.com and Webmd.com in order to determine what I should and should not do. 

I allowed myself to monitor my signs, and I followed the doctor's orders.  Other than that, I let go.  I just went with the experience.  

Reading books and websites and talking to Obgyns helped me move past this fear because I learned a few things about pregnancy that may surprise some women.  This information helped me realize how often a pregnancy's success is out of a woman's hands.  Mayo Clinic writes, 

"About 15 to 20 percent of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But the actual number is probably much higher because many miscarriages occur so early in pregnancy that a woman doesn't even know she's pregnant."  This is the average for miscarriages, regardless of how many weeks a woman has been pregnant.  Most miscarriages occur before or at 7 weeks.  Some sources that I am still searching for report that 75% of miscarriages occur at this time.  In short, miscarriages happen often to a lot of women, some of them perfectly healthy women who seem like ideal "baby makers" and women who may not be healthy at all.  

The Mayo Clinic also reports that "Most miscarriages occur because the fetus isn't developing normally."  In short, a miscarriage often occurs because there is something seriously wrong with the fetus.  It is our body's way of trying to do what is in our and our potential life's interests.  

My last realization regarding miscarriage also comes from my biggest fear about miscarriage--That the fetus would experience this as a traumatic, painful last moment in his or her short life.  But as I read, I came across more information that helped me to allay my fears.  Women like to characterize their little peanuts from an early age--some as early as the date the mother discovered she was pregnant.  We like to think that the fetuses are aware and that they are happily floating about in our well-constructed cocoons.  By the seventh week of pregnancy, though our fetus' outside physical features are developing so that they look more human, the brain itself is just gearing up (WebMD).   WebMD also reports, "The nervous system is functioning and muscles are responding to stimulation from your baby's brain."  To me, this means that a fetus does not have a fully developed brain at 7 weeks.  In fact, sleep per se doesn't begin until the second trimester.  This is usually a time when a fetus is considered viable anyway (www.whattoexpect.com). I was greatly relieved to hear this. The development of the brain told me that if I were one of the many women to unfortunately miscarry by the 7 week, my fetus would feel little to no pain.  They could go peacefully.  I would still mourn for the loss of that potential life, but it helped to know it wouldn't feel anything.

I think that I've grown more trusting of my body, and I've grown more knowledgeable about what I do and don't have control over.  If I decide to have a second child, I will go through that 7 week period more relaxed.  Should the unfortunate happen, I will know that it was not my fault and more than likely not my body's fault.   I will allow myself to monitor for troubling signs, and I will visit the Obgyn when I see them.  But I now know how to trust myself and to appreciate my body for it's ability to perform the fantastic feat of creating and nurturing a new human being.  




www.mayoclinic.com
www.webmd.com
www.whattoexpect.com